026 Redefining the Relationship: Building a Resilient Mixed-Faith Marriage

Marriage…Marriage is what brings us together today

“When you pick a partner, you pick a story - and often, you will be recruited for a play you didn’t audition for.”
— Esther Perel

Notes:

Temple marriage is seen as the ultimate goal for every faithful Mormon; a marriage solemnized in the temple is viewed as the essential gateway to eternal life and exaltation. By entering into and remaining faithful to these covenants throughout their life, Mormons believe they will obtain all the blessings God has to offer. So what happens when one spouse finds themselves moving away from belief in Mormonism?

In this episode, Aimee and Micaela are joined by two guests: Jenny, a marriage and family therapist, and Allan, co-host of the Marriage on a Tightrope podcast. They share their personal experiences living in mixed-faith marriages, how they have redefined their relationships over time, and provide concrete best practices, along with some clinical insights from Aimee and Jenny.

Also, one housekeeping item: we now have a Patreon account! If you are interested in helping us cover some of our equipment and hosting costs by becoming a patron, please visit www.patreon.com/wardlesspodcast.

TAXONOMY

  • In Mormonism, devout commitment to the faith is seen as fundamental to the marriage relationship. Couples are counseled to keep church activity at the center of their relationship and are taught that keeping temple covenants together will open the doors to eternal life.

  • Therefore, a spouse’s faith crisis can feel cataclysmic to the relationship. A faith transition can be deeply painful and isolating to the one experiencing it, but it can also be equally devastating to the believing spouse. They may feel desperate to bring their spouse back to full belief and fear over each step further away from the church. Both spouses may wonder whether or not the marriage will survive.

  • In many ways it can feel like a death and a rebirth of a new marriage. If both spouses are committed to staying together, it is absolutely possible to come out stronger on the other side of the experience. You can become closer through the struggle, and growth can happen through the pain. 

  • In order to make the new dynamic work, couples need to move from a church-centered marriage to a couple-centered marriage. Both spouses will need to actively choose each other and learn how to relate to one another without the church as an intermediary.

ABSOLUTE ESSENTIALS

  • Therapy is highly recommended, both individual and couples therapy. Individual therapy gives each spouse a space to process own their thoughts and emotions, while couples therapy provides an opportunity for spouses to talk through difficult issues in a neutral place.

  • It is okay to mourn the loss of what you had before and to acknowledge that grief. Be generous with your partner; remember that they are a bystander in this and their feelings are not an attack on you.

  • Find places to process your anger and frustration during your transition so that your believing spouse doesn’t always have to bear the brunt of it. When you do have conversations about your concerns, wants, and needs, try to discuss them in a more constructive fashion.

  • Have open conversations as you move from the pre-established moral framework the church provided to one that is determined by you as a couple. Find common ground and decide what you truly value, what you will teach your children, and what your family ethos will be.

  • Keep your mental health and personal boundaries in mind; don’t force yourself to engage in ways that cause you harm. Marriage is a series of negotiations, and you need to come together to figure out how to be supportive of both partners.

  • Show up for each other with grace and respect, but know that no one is perfect and mistakes will be made. Anticipate that there will be times you both will get really upset and not respond perfectly, then come back together to talk it through and grow from the experience.

  • Remember to have fun together; put the hard and messy topics away for an evening, go out and play together, and be reminded of the things you love about your partner.

  • Let go of trying to change each other; come to the table with acceptance and love for your spouse.

RESOURCES MENTIONED

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Oliver Christensen1 Comment