025 Sibling Resilience: Mixed-Faith Family Relationships
How To Be a Cool Sibling When One of You Leaves
“There may be no relationship...that’s closer, finer, harder, sweeter, happier, sadder, more filled with joy or fraught with woe, than the relationship we have with our brothers and sisters.”
Notes:
Siblings play a unique role in our lives; because they often grow up in the same household together, siblings will have more exposure to each other and spend more time together than almost anyone else during childhood. Sibling relationships are also often some of the longest-lasting relationships in a person’s life. So what can happen when one sibling has a change in faith with the other siblings maintain their belief?
On today’s episode, we take a look at the unique dynamics that can exist within a mixed-faith sibling relationship. Join us as Oliver sits down with Aimee and her sister Shannon, an active, believing Mormon, to discuss how they have navigated Aimee’s departure from Mormonism and explore the idea of relationship resiliency.
TAXONOMY
In many ways, your siblings are truly life partners; your parents will likely pass away before you, and partners arrive on the scene later in your life. Your siblings have often been with you throughout the entire course of your life and have a deep history with you. Also, if you have been raised in a believing Mormon household, you have likely grown up being taught that the family is the most important thing in your life. This shared history and life experience can make it difficult to renegotiate the relationship following a sibling’s change in faith.
People will have varying degrees of closeness with their siblings, with some relationships being close and supportive, while others might be more distant and less involved. These dynamics will certainly have an impact on how you choose to develop or maintain your sibling relationships as you walk away from Mormonism.
Mixed-faith sibling relationships can be awkward and difficult at times, even for siblings who are very closely connected. It will take effort to invest in the relationship and to have the hard conversations, but putting in the effort to choose each other can lead to richer, more authentic connections.
When you spend time with your believing siblings, there will still be conversation about church-related activities, prayers over meals, invitations to baptisms, ordinations, and the like. Be prepared to engage at a level you are comfortable with while still maintaining your personal integrity.
ABSOLUTE ESSENTIALS
Know your own boundaries. Consider your relationships and what topics you are and are not comfortable discussing. Siblings have layered and complicated dynamics that have been developing since birth, and it can take time to understand where to draw those boundaries. Remember that those boundaries are likely to evolve over time.
Ask for what you need. People aren’t mind-readers, and it isn’t fair to them to expect that they will say and do the right things if you have not been clear about your expectations. Communicate your boundaries, communicate your needs, and be as open as you can be. Approach the conversations with kindness and love whenever possible.
Putting your relationship with your sibling first goes both ways. Continue to show up with your siblings as you always have, stay curious and ask questions about their lives. Do the work to maintain and strengthen the relationships you really value.
In those tricky or crunchy moments that are inevitable with even your closest siblings, assume that they have good intentions; if you value the relationship, extend them generosity and try to listen and understand where they are coming from. This may not be possible in all sibling relationships, but it can be very helpful when working to build bridges of understanding.
Know that it’s okay to fumble a hard conversation and do it wrong, but then to reevaluate, regroup, and try to do it better the next time. Remember that both sides may be feeling scared and it’s important to be gentle with each other.
Thanks for listening!
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